The Longhand Walk of Shame

I had to do math today. Simple math. Four column subtraction:

  • $21.39
  • – 19.99

I did fine with 9 minus 9. Then things started to crumble.

In my defense, I was under pressure. I was on hold with my wireless phone company for the second time in as many days. They are holding me hostage. If I had been in my right mind I would have told them they could shove that cute little phone right up their (bleep) using all their collective digits.

I would have done the math in my head by rounding up a penny: $21.40 – 20 = $1.40, which, amazingly, is the exact same amount as some sort of crappy service charge they’ve stuck on the bill.

Never mind that I am so terrible at math that I would have second guessed myself until I confirmed it with a calculator. The several I own were nowhere to be found, and I forgot about the one built into my computer, permanently attached to my lap.

I ended up calculating it on paper, longhand. Yes, by means of crossing out and carrying over. It’s pathetic. Even more pathetic? I’m pleased as punch I can still manage that archaic method. What’s next? I’m thinking of making fire with sticks and stones. Tomorrow I may invent the wheel. Once I’m mobile, I feel a good sack and pillage coming on. I hear there are these cool new things called crossbows.

By the way, anyone have a spare abacus lying around?

P.S. A little shout out to our friend Karla for implanting the word “shame” into my subconcious. Funny every time.

P.P.S. In a pathetic attempt to tie “longhand” into what is normally a writing blog, I will now use the word ‘cursive’ in a sentence: Lisa’s typing is still better than her printing, which is nearly as illegible as her cursive. Class dismissed.

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7 responses to “The Longhand Walk of Shame

  1. The first time my 1st grade buddy told me she had to practice her penmanship, I thought, “she doesn’t have a sailboat.”

  2. Hello, my name is Amy and I am a librarian. The books you need are in non fiction, section 510. I became a librarian because I cannot do math and therefore need to be able to show you where the books are located.

  3. Ack! Section 510 is a number – you LIE! Rename it Section Blork, immediately please.

  4. I think I’ll rename it “Shame Based Lack of Math Knowledge”. Shame based is one of my very favorite expressions – I’m totally with you on that one.

  5. William Kendall

    I’m terrible with math. Calculator’s an absolute must to have….

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