The Florida Connection

MIL (Mich. Lisa):   Recently, FLL (Florida Lisa)moved into her brand new villa. That’s what folks down in Florida call it anyway–in Michigan it would be called a duplex. This confusing language/culture barrier gives her an excellent excuse for not blogging. I have lived in the same house for the past sixteen years (and the same state all of my 29 years), I’ve got no excuse.

…Unless it is the huge amount of time I spend fending off Florida Lisa’s attempts to get me to go to Florida. She is my bff. I do want to see her. But I prefer it if she comes back to Michigan.

FLL:  To be fair, I did visit Michigan in mid-September. The weather was beautiful for most of one day. Take it up with Ma Bell and Bill Gates – if it weren’t for telecommunications I’m not sure I could have made the move. But knowing I can video chat with Regis Philbin, er,  buddies at the drop of a hat is fabulous. But scary. You see, in FL clothing is not optional, it’s ridiculous. It’s too damn hot for clothes and they’re soggy in five minutes anyway. A towel is optional. Skype at your own risk.

MIL:  …For starters, there is the pesky fight-or-flight issue. I need two gin and tonics and a powerful sedative just to consider stepping on to an airplane. 

FLL:  That’s while it’s on the ground. Upon take-off there are restraints–to keep other passangers from throwing her off.

MIL:  And when I get there? From our non-visual phone conversations, I glean there is a tropical treasure trove in store for me:

  • massive, albit elusive, poisonous toads
  • massive, super-sticky, toad-proof slugs
  • “Palmetto Bugs” aka cockroaches
  • fire ants
  • humidity one can slice like pie
  • exotic snakes thriving in the primeval wild
  • native snakes, too!
  • ‘gators
  • geckos that “get in everywhere”

Leaping lizards would be cute only the first ten times I found one in the house. Florida Lisa assures me she has yet to see a spider. Hah! I’ve been to Florida. I’ve seen spiders the size of my hand. I could hear them they were so big. I think you’re holding out on me since you know that is my big daddy long legs of phobias and the slightest hint of a spider in your duplex, sorry, villa, would mean I would never, ever visit.

FLL:  There was a microscopically small dead one in the shower yesterday. What can I say? Toads, snakes and geckos are tricky to housebreak.

MIL:  And yet I will be heading down there. Right after hurricane season.

FLL:  Hurricane season is May – April. See you soon, Regis, er, pen-pal!


11 responses to “The Florida Connection

  1. Fire ants are fun, particularly if you’ve got a relative you don’t like.

    And here I thought of villas as homes surrounded by vineyards…

    • Fire ants ARE fun! There is often much dancing involved when one encounters them.
      In Spanglish “villa” translates to “shared wall between retirees.” But by law each is alloted his or her own share of reptiles.

  2. Lisa, remember those HUGE spiders that hung out in trees (and in your kitchen cupboard) at Manisota Key? OMG !!!!!!!!!!!!!

    • Those weren’t spiders, they were spider monkeys. Giant, mutant spider monkeys with wings and fangs and poison claws. And shotguns. And little party hats. But other than that they weren’t scary at all.

    • You bet I remember them. Especially that giant one that hung out by the pop tarts… hmmm, perhaps I should import one to MI and start a new craze called the Spider Diet. If you’re too scared to reach in the cupboard, you won’t eat enough to gain weight.

  3. If your spiders are bigger than ours, I don’t even want to imagine what they look like! We had a spider incident the other night, and from what my son described, someone must have lost their pet tarantula!

  4. We refer to our endless supply of anoles as cat toys. I keep finding dismembered tails all over the patio.

    • Saw a birthday card that read: Don’t count birthdays, count the number of cats you have. I’m ready to start my collection.

  5. My BFF lives in Florida too. She moved there directly after graduating from UofM. I choose to stay here and complain about the weather.

    • You would think it’d be difficult to complain about weather that changes every five minutes: Ooo it’s hot! Ooo it’s cold! Too wet, too dry, too Blue, too Gold – wait, never that!

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