Tag Archives: facebook

Picture Perfect

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Yes, I cooked a tree.

Most of the time The Lisas are too honest. Spouses, parents, coworkers, children (ours and others’) are buffeted by the verbal tsunami that is the Lisas’ innate compulsion to say things as (we think) they are. They don’t enjoy this. We can’t help ourselves. Except on facebook.

Like most everyone else, we like to pretend our lives are prettier, better, more exciting, much more fulfilled, and generally a heck of a lot nicer than they are. We do have nice little lives, but we have plenty of downs to go with the ups. We just don’t mention those. Michigan Lisa preens herself on her baking and inundates her feed with attractive (she hopes) photos of beautiful bakes. Sometimes she scrolls back and stares at them again just to sigh over them.

Except, you know what? Tons of stuff she bakes looks like absolute crap. Even when it does come out, the kitchen looks like a tornado hit, so why, why does she feel compelled to pretend that baking is just one little perfect square of perfection sitting on her one attractive plate with her best tablecloth underneath? Why are there all these web pages where the cook coyly claims to be messy and all this means is an plate of scrumptious food with one artfully arranged clump of quinoa on the edge of a plate in a photo worthy of a Williams and Sonoma photo shoot?

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Don’t cry over spilled burned milk.

Messy? It isn’t messy until you can’t find the salt because it is buried in a mound of empty butter wrappers, bags of flour and tea towels. Messy is when the egg whites have fallen to the floor from their teetering position on the counter and the house rings with a shriek of , “Oh bugger that.” So let me slip into first person and go for full disclosure. This is what my baking looks like. It ain’t always pretty. Although I do think it has a certain charm all of its own. And the enchanting smell of burning milk.

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Cooking a la Florida Lisa.

Recently Florida Lisa was asked to describe her dream kitchen. She had two words: room service. Instead of culinary delights she prefers to inundate facebook and twitter with her wry wit and charming turn of phrase. This is much harder than it looks and she spends lots of time editing and re-editing posts that never seem to go viral…

…yet. The Lisas may have missed the twerking craze and our selfies are mercifully few, but one day our social media ship will come in. Likely we’ll be at the airport waiting to catch a train, but no matter. It’s all in good, messy fun.

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Boom Chica Wowow

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Image via Wikipedia

The Lisas can’t help but wonder what people are thinking. Much like the oft maligned Hormel Foods Corporation must have wondered how the conception of email spam would affect the sale of meat products Spam, we put this blog out and often get some unexpected results.

Statistics are like a train wreck – gruesome, but impossible to look away from. (Or is it “from which to look away”?) When we first started blogging, the Lisas would watch hits like some people watch the stock market, that is to say obsessively. Granted, we still like to see big numbers, but so far we haven’t managed to crack the code to going viral, and are therefore no real threat to facebook or twitter. Yet.

We suspect is has something to do with tags. This Lisa currently has a tag in the back of her shirt that is driving her to seek a pair of sharp scissors and go after the manufacturer. Oops, different kind of tags. Keyword tags, are what I’m talking about here. For example, on this post we might use Spam, facebook and twitter as tags. And conception. Which would be a big mistake. In our last post we almost tagged the title Property Virgins. Here’s how we know this would be an unwise choice; the terms people use to find this blog range from humorously wacky to surprisingly disturbing. Granted, we discuss granny-panties with great flourish and frequency, so we’ve generated some of this weirdness upon ourselves.

Here are a couple examples of what people are apparently googling when they wittingly or unwittingly stumble upon us:

  • retreat realization and blog
  • hang up the telephone
  • emma and mr knightley make a baby
  • hello my friend very hot here i miss you
  • gag order boat name
  • please throw rubbish here
  • is there symbolic messages to the knuckl
  • “big old lisa”

…and most recently: boom chica wowow.

What can we say? When you’re hot, you’re hot. Random wackos and the rest of y’all enjoy your stay here at Lisaland.

Contagious Concentration Consumption

Lisa1a3This is serious, don’t tell Lisa.

I’ve only written a couple of thousand words over the past (ahem) several days. I’m not sure exactly how many days, but since my goal was 1,000/per, I am in serious word count debt. Perhaps there is a government program to help me. A word bank would be great; maybe a nice word tax credit.

The problem is, as best I can tell, Contagious Concentration Consumption, or CCC. This is not to be confused with the CDC or CBC, although they are more closely entwined than anyone would like to admit. It is also not in the same category as conjunctivitis; however, I would gladly settle for a good old case of pinkeye-excuse right about now. Some people would equate CCC to laziness, however this would be as cruel as calling an alcoholic a drunk.

Just remember, whatever you call it and whatever you do, don’t tell Lisa. If she gets wind that I have been word-slacking (again) she will penalize me. And then: no shoe shopping research, no editing excursion, no nothing. I will be back to sitting in bed, playing computer games and drooling in my oatmeal, waiting for a blizzard to drive me insane, like Jack Nicholson in “The Shining.” That’s if we’re lucky.

Plus, there’s the contagious part – if Lisa, who barely survived that last bout of writer’s block, catches it, we’ll Never Finish. You will have to suffer this blog forever with no hope of salvation.

So remember, mum’s the word. Although “odoriferous” is kind of funny too, I used that one today in a private message on facebook. You know who you are.

Peace out.